I haven't used this blog in a while, in more than a year in fact. 2014 began with a post related to an adoption process that was not successful. There were a few more posts that year from our subsequent summer trip in the RV, Rosie. I ran out of steam; really we did not recover from the events in Indiana I suppose but it is such a shame that this record of our family petered out. So I have resolved to start it again.
Before we pick up the story here is how we got to be where we are now.
Indiana was a catastrophe pure and simple. I had spoken to the birth mother a couple of times before I allowed it to proceed to the next stage of a call with Hatty and J. It was an unusual case: it was not possible to find a local match for reasons I cannot disclose so our New York agency got involved, but it required the potential adoptive family to be willing to take a degree of risk on medical outcomes.
There were none of the 'red flags' that one might see in this process. The woman was young but not extremely young,articulate and clear on her reasons for adoption. She and the father had talked about it and were certain: she was in her late twenties, educated and had the support of her family.
We sent in all the paperwork, the fees and I made the arrangements for going to Indiana including finding a long stay apartment we could use (some legal steps were necessary before the baby could cross state lines into New York so we had to be prepared for this to take some time). J, Hatty and Pippin set out early and I waited until labor had started then flew out. The baby was delivered safely and was well.
The red flags started now. Meetings at the hospital were postponed despite her saying she wanted us there prior to the birth. J had already given up hope on the second day of cancellations and the adoption agencies were not really there for us. The mother called me on the Saturday and reassured me everything was still going to be going ahead, she had just been overwhelmed by the visits of family. That was a hard call to take and I tried to stress to her that we needed to know sooner rather than later if this was not going to happen.
I have the text from the lawyer saved at 8:41pm in which he told me he thought she would still sign and would be in touch. The next day, Sunday, he called me at 8.30am and told me she had backed out by text and was refusing further contact. It was over. I still keep the text from her that he forwarded to me.
The follow up explanation was that the father had not told his family about the pregnancy. When they did, they showed up en-masse (hence her distress and the cancelled meetings). I hope it worked out for that child I really do.
We had an apartment full of baby stuff and now only our despair to fill it. I booked J and Hatty on a plane to New York that afternoon so they would be away. I closed down the apartment and took care of the paperwork then packed the car with the stuff and Pippin and began the long drive home. Pip and I stayed overnight in a cheap motel in Bedford PA and made it home the next day. The idiotic car rental company was going to charge us a fortune to return it early so I had to park the car in a long stay off-airport car park at JFK. Hatty and I went back in two weeks to pick it up and return it to the rental company. It was the first time I had ever driven in New York City.
The baby stuff ended up in our back bedroom and we more or less sealed it up. It became a junk room, a haunting reminder of what might have been.
Failed adoptions are expensive too. Beyond the getting to Indiana for all of us there are wages to pay at the agencies involved and the people taking all the risk are the adoptive families so the fees are not fully recovered.
I have heard many people criticize surrogacy because 'there are so many children desperate to be adopted' but believe me it takes someone special to go through this process.
Before we pick up the story here is how we got to be where we are now.
Indiana was a catastrophe pure and simple. I had spoken to the birth mother a couple of times before I allowed it to proceed to the next stage of a call with Hatty and J. It was an unusual case: it was not possible to find a local match for reasons I cannot disclose so our New York agency got involved, but it required the potential adoptive family to be willing to take a degree of risk on medical outcomes.
There were none of the 'red flags' that one might see in this process. The woman was young but not extremely young,articulate and clear on her reasons for adoption. She and the father had talked about it and were certain: she was in her late twenties, educated and had the support of her family.
We sent in all the paperwork, the fees and I made the arrangements for going to Indiana including finding a long stay apartment we could use (some legal steps were necessary before the baby could cross state lines into New York so we had to be prepared for this to take some time). J, Hatty and Pippin set out early and I waited until labor had started then flew out. The baby was delivered safely and was well.
The red flags started now. Meetings at the hospital were postponed despite her saying she wanted us there prior to the birth. J had already given up hope on the second day of cancellations and the adoption agencies were not really there for us. The mother called me on the Saturday and reassured me everything was still going to be going ahead, she had just been overwhelmed by the visits of family. That was a hard call to take and I tried to stress to her that we needed to know sooner rather than later if this was not going to happen.
I have the text from the lawyer saved at 8:41pm in which he told me he thought she would still sign and would be in touch. The next day, Sunday, he called me at 8.30am and told me she had backed out by text and was refusing further contact. It was over. I still keep the text from her that he forwarded to me.
The follow up explanation was that the father had not told his family about the pregnancy. When they did, they showed up en-masse (hence her distress and the cancelled meetings). I hope it worked out for that child I really do.
We had an apartment full of baby stuff and now only our despair to fill it. I booked J and Hatty on a plane to New York that afternoon so they would be away. I closed down the apartment and took care of the paperwork then packed the car with the stuff and Pippin and began the long drive home. Pip and I stayed overnight in a cheap motel in Bedford PA and made it home the next day. The idiotic car rental company was going to charge us a fortune to return it early so I had to park the car in a long stay off-airport car park at JFK. Hatty and I went back in two weeks to pick it up and return it to the rental company. It was the first time I had ever driven in New York City.
The baby stuff ended up in our back bedroom and we more or less sealed it up. It became a junk room, a haunting reminder of what might have been.
Failed adoptions are expensive too. Beyond the getting to Indiana for all of us there are wages to pay at the agencies involved and the people taking all the risk are the adoptive families so the fees are not fully recovered.
I have heard many people criticize surrogacy because 'there are so many children desperate to be adopted' but believe me it takes someone special to go through this process.
